CATHARSIS
In order to really know what grade to give Edgar (The Opera Man), one has to first try to understand who "Edgar" the student was. Edgar was the eldest of three children in NYC. Born in one of the hottest areas of Manhattan, Mom had to go solo after Dad(God rest his soul) tried to make their duet into a trio. Wanting no part of this musical act, we moved North(Upper Manhattan). Alas, we could not escape the music. The locale's percussive climate (BANG! BANG! BOOM!) was an interesting counterpoint to Mom's weeping and crying ever since. By now, I was almost 5.
When you (Barbie) and I met, I had long given up on my dreams. I felt like Sylvester Stallone did in Rocky when exhausted and beaten could not go through that experience again...
Creed: There ain't gonna be no rematch. There ain't gonna be no rematch.
Rocky: Don't want one.
But there was a moral victory.
That is what I am living. A moral victory. Success of the heart. Although, I feel that my life is not the result of bad circumstances. Rather the result of bad decisions. It was not getting hitched or Daddy leaving us, it was the conscious decision to remain grounded when I was born to fly. I traded in my dreams for a moral victory since I was 5. But I was only "conscious" I had made this decision when I was 15.
Since I was younger, everyone felt the sky was the limit with regards to my potential. I did not ignore this. I was faced with the possibility that my talents and direct efforts can take me far. As a child, I became frightful because this meant away from my family. I had also become a sort of patriarch for them and could not abandon this responsibilty. Here is where the trajectory of my life had gone from ascending to level. How far can someone get when they only try half-heartedly? So now, I have begun to condition myself to lose. I didn't know it then. That's how easy it can sneak up on you. By the time I realized this, I was 25.
From that time to the present, I have been in the state of a "catharsis." I had looked for myself in many different places for answers. Questions such as "Who am I?", "Where am I going?" and "What am I meant to do?" I looked everywhere. Here and there. East(ern) and West(ern). Philosophy, that is. Up and down. Alot of times, I looked up for answers. Anxiety and tension had become to surface. I had always acted appropriately but never made "appropriate" steps for myself. That is what everyone criticized me for when I fell in love. She came with 3 members in her band( 3, 8 and 13 years old respectively) and was not looking for a lead singer. I wanted the job. Except, I didn't want to work as singer AND roadie. I asked myself, "If I always wanted to fly, why would I decide to build a nest NOW?! I am such an emotional creature and I am thankful for such feelings, but I was at a crossroad. I wanted to be in contol of my future. I wasn't even in control of myself. Then... things happened.
Tears For Fears - Woman In Chains
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
I had a choice to make back then. And I chose LOVE. I needed this. For the next 10 years this would be the heights of my life. Coaxing the fledglings to fly and develop their voices to be heard in the world. I just didn't know that my personal quest would clash with the life decision I made to traverse with my new family. Again, I may have succeeded, but I was unhappy. I just couldn't figure out why.
Maybe it was because I gave up my dreams AGAIN for the sake of doing the right thing.
Maybe it was because I was not strong enough and chose to be "happy" when I should've been "tough".
Maybe it was because I was not in control of anything not even in my own house.
Maybe it was because I had to put my dog down because he was as unhappy as I was.
Maybe it was because LOVE is simply not enough.
Attending the university is a temporary station of mine. I work to get by. But what was the point of attending if I could not even put any effort into my future? I was imploding. I had nowhere to turn because no one could help me. Left with no other mode of living except to constantly give and sacrafice for the benefit of others, I was spiralling out of control. I became afraid of the future. What would happen to me next?
Simple Plan: Untitled
Please no. God, help me.
This is what I was like before your class. I am and have always been the "Great Pretender." I would even fool myself. Something special happened while I was in that semi-circle with my other colleagues. I began to develop some self-worth and confidence. The most influential statement that uplifted my spirits from their depths came from our class. It was when "Valerie" mentioned how grateful she was to get away from her homogenous town. The words she used were, "I was so happy to finally see 'people' that didn't look like me." When I heard that, my heart sank. I had conditioned myself to be a loser for over 30 years. The environment I was either in or created for myself further perpetuated this. Her comment made me feel that I am NOT a loser and that I was so happy to see people that didn't look like me.' I was in a room full of winners.
When I recall the class, I was a part of some special events in instruction. I learned so much from the sharing. Regarding my absences towards the end, I reluctantly bowed out from disgracing the purity and beauty of what was happening. In reflection, I believe that I was still participating in a very organic sense. My group and others would call and email constantly with assignments and to ask if everything was alright.
I half-assed most of my life but not now. Not anymore. Barbie, I was still a part of the class when I thought I was not. I was told how I positively affected them. Priceless. So far as the class, the organic relevance a student has in their absence is a special dynamic that cannot be overlooked. Had the student been more present at the end, the circle would have been complete. Instead, the class(with your guidance), proceeded to heal itself in preservation of the same things I thought of saving: wholeness and community. We and they were always ONE!
In order to really know what grade to give Edgar (The Opera Man), one has to first try to understand who "Edgar" the student was. Edgar was the eldest of three children in NYC. Born in one of the hottest areas of Manhattan, Mom had to go solo after Dad(God rest his soul) tried to make their duet into a trio. Wanting no part of this musical act, we moved North(Upper Manhattan). Alas, we could not escape the music. The locale's percussive climate (BANG! BANG! BOOM!) was an interesting counterpoint to Mom's weeping and crying ever since. By now, I was almost 5.
When you (Barbie) and I met, I had long given up on my dreams. I felt like Sylvester Stallone did in Rocky when exhausted and beaten could not go through that experience again...
Creed: There ain't gonna be no rematch. There ain't gonna be no rematch.
Rocky: Don't want one.
But there was a moral victory.
That is what I am living. A moral victory. Success of the heart. Although, I feel that my life is not the result of bad circumstances. Rather the result of bad decisions. It was not getting hitched or Daddy leaving us, it was the conscious decision to remain grounded when I was born to fly. I traded in my dreams for a moral victory since I was 5. But I was only "conscious" I had made this decision when I was 15.
Since I was younger, everyone felt the sky was the limit with regards to my potential. I did not ignore this. I was faced with the possibility that my talents and direct efforts can take me far. As a child, I became frightful because this meant away from my family. I had also become a sort of patriarch for them and could not abandon this responsibilty. Here is where the trajectory of my life had gone from ascending to level. How far can someone get when they only try half-heartedly? So now, I have begun to condition myself to lose. I didn't know it then. That's how easy it can sneak up on you. By the time I realized this, I was 25.
From that time to the present, I have been in the state of a "catharsis." I had looked for myself in many different places for answers. Questions such as "Who am I?", "Where am I going?" and "What am I meant to do?" I looked everywhere. Here and there. East(ern) and West(ern). Philosophy, that is. Up and down. Alot of times, I looked up for answers. Anxiety and tension had become to surface. I had always acted appropriately but never made "appropriate" steps for myself. That is what everyone criticized me for when I fell in love. She came with 3 members in her band( 3, 8 and 13 years old respectively) and was not looking for a lead singer. I wanted the job. Except, I didn't want to work as singer AND roadie. I asked myself, "If I always wanted to fly, why would I decide to build a nest NOW?! I am such an emotional creature and I am thankful for such feelings, but I was at a crossroad. I wanted to be in contol of my future. I wasn't even in control of myself. Then... things happened.
Tears For Fears - Woman In Chains
I had a choice to make back then. And I chose LOVE. I needed this. For the next 10 years this would be the heights of my life. Coaxing the fledglings to fly and develop their voices to be heard in the world. I just didn't know that my personal quest would clash with the life decision I made to traverse with my new family. Again, I may have succeeded, but I was unhappy. I just couldn't figure out why.
Maybe it was because I gave up my dreams AGAIN for the sake of doing the right thing.
Maybe it was because I was not strong enough and chose to be "happy" when I should've been "tough".
Maybe it was because I was not in control of anything not even in my own house.
Maybe it was because I had to put my dog down because he was as unhappy as I was.
Maybe it was because LOVE is simply not enough.
Attending the university is a temporary station of mine. I work to get by. But what was the point of attending if I could not even put any effort into my future? I was imploding. I had nowhere to turn because no one could help me. Left with no other mode of living except to constantly give and sacrafice for the benefit of others, I was spiralling out of control. I became afraid of the future. What would happen to me next?
Simple Plan: Untitled
This is what I was like before your class. I am and have always been the "Great Pretender." I would even fool myself. Something special happened while I was in that semi-circle with my other colleagues. I began to develop some self-worth and confidence. The most influential statement that uplifted my spirits from their depths came from our class. It was when "Valerie" mentioned how grateful she was to get away from her homogenous town. The words she used were, "I was so happy to finally see 'people' that didn't look like me." When I heard that, my heart sank. I had conditioned myself to be a loser for over 30 years. The environment I was either in or created for myself further perpetuated this. Her comment made me feel that I am NOT a loser and that I was so happy to see people that didn't look like me.' I was in a room full of winners.
When I recall the class, I was a part of some special events in instruction. I learned so much from the sharing. Regarding my absences towards the end, I reluctantly bowed out from disgracing the purity and beauty of what was happening. In reflection, I believe that I was still participating in a very organic sense. My group and others would call and email constantly with assignments and to ask if everything was alright.
I half-assed most of my life but not now. Not anymore. Barbie, I was still a part of the class when I thought I was not. I was told how I positively affected them. Priceless. So far as the class, the organic relevance a student has in their absence is a special dynamic that cannot be overlooked. Had the student been more present at the end, the circle would have been complete. Instead, the class(with your guidance), proceeded to heal itself in preservation of the same things I thought of saving: wholeness and community. We and they were always ONE!
posted by EdgarNYU at 12:21 PM
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